The last few weeks I’ve done more reading than writing. I’ve been nose-deep in a few books—you guessed it—that I’ve already had, but had yet to open or finish.
Somewhere during my days, I went to my “reading stack” and thought, Ok it’s time. Somehow they each spoke to me, and I kind of had them all on my radar.
I started with Energy Rising, cruised through The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life, and now getting back into Be Ready When the Luck Happens.
The common theme among them—although totally different contexts—is reflecting on who you are, understanding your internal systems, and finding confidence to get what you want out of life. Their goals are clearing internal hurdles to get closer to living your passions.
The books demand personal reflection. They demand the reader pay attention and reflect on how the story can mirror back their own.
Through Energy Rising, I found I had more “work” to do. It’s basically another version of How to do The Work or Heal to Lead, but through the lens of a scientist versus psychologist or healer. Through the exercises and concepts, I learned that I was still holding onto shame, guilt, fear, unworthiness, and outdated safety systems. Again.
In The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life, I struggled to connect the dots between the metaphor of lion tracking and finding my own purpose in life. I thought I’d already “figured it out,” but in reading Boyd Varty’s tale, I realized I hadn’t quite listened deeply enough to my own inner clues. There was more tracking to do.
As I re-start Be Ready When the Luck Happens, I see another story unfolding. One of being in the middle of an old life and a new life. Trying new things to see what sticks. That luck is just around the corner, but as most of my healers and guides have told me before—there’s more work to be done.
By reading about self-discovery concepts and how others have self-alchemized—I learn more about myself. I build my “processing” toolkit by reading something inspiring, and then deeply reflecting on my own journey—where I’ve been and what’s in front of me right now—and try to use the tools in real-time to keep what’s good, and pause on what’s not-so-great.
This isn’t just reading and understanding a concept. It’s actually pausing to sit with what comes up, journal if necessary, and spending time and emotional power deeply reflecting on my life, experiences, and emotions. It’s about going into the abyss, not a leisurely swim.
It’s the pausing when something doesn’t feel great that I’m most curious about. Curious being an important word. I’ve learned that compassion and openness are critical in self-exploration and that looking at your life, decisions, and past deserve non-judgement.
I’m curious for a couple of reasons.
One, I don’t want to hold onto anything that doesn’t bring me excitement. It’s as simple as that. If my reaction—to anything—isn’t joy, love, or positivity, I want to understand it. I want to feel why. I want to use all of the tools I’ve developed to pause, understand, and get that feeling out of here.
The other reason is energy. I’m learning that the energy I hold within shapes the energy of the world around me. It shapes the experiences I have, the opportunities that come my way, and the circumstances (and people) in my daily life.
The formula is simple: If I have negative, stuck, or buried energy within, it’ll show itself in my day-to-day. Do I want to feel negative, stuck, or buried every day? Of course not.
In the last few weeks, I learned that I still had stuck energy. I thought I’d finished my work, but it turns out there was more.
Through Energy Rising, I realized I was still holding onto self-taught safety systems, but hadn’t yet unlearned them.
Around 7 years old, I felt disconnected, overlooked, and shamed by my classmates. I learned to conform and stay quiet because being authentic didn’t get me friends or community.
Around 17, I realized that hiding my curiosity around sex and connection to others was shaped by guilt, shame, and humiliation. I learned to view relationships (any kind) as transactions where I had to earn love and friendship—and even after having it, not feeling worthy of it.
Before 18, I learned that being me wasn’t enough and I wasn’t deserving of any type of connection unless I earned it.
I would later discover that there were other ways to proxy the feeling of enough—and acceptance—through job titles, money, and societal markers like lifestyle. I learned that any time I felt scared, I could focus on a grade, achievement, or relationship to fill the gap. I found safety in the external and by conforming.
The main takeaway: I had to perform for safety, acceptance, and belonging.
What’s strange about all of these learned behaviors, is that I didn’t really realize it until decades later, in my 40s. All of these experiences kind of crept up on me and hid in the background. They hid in my sub-conscious.
The crazier thing is that these patterns played out again, and again, and again throughout my life. The same systems I’d developed at 7, 17, and later never went away. Because I didn’t acknowledge them at the time, they stuck with me. Because I didn’t have the tools to process or sort out what was happening even until recently, I stored the trapped emotions in my psyche until I could.
I spent most of my adult life seeking safety in predicable systems—a regular salary, a 9-5 job, clear career trajectory, and age-bound lifestyle decisions. I subscribed to these markers of enoughness and validation because I didn’t know how to find it from within. I outsourced my value.
The irony is that when I achieved in all of these ways—after a while—they still felt empty and worthless. I still didn’t feel worthy of the benefits either. Because somewhere, deep down, I still felt like I was performing. That familiar feeling that just being me wasn’t enough.
After a 20+ year corporate career, I knew how to shape the next step by starting my own business. I could predict my financial stability through strategy, insight, and planning. I’d learned that predicability equaled safety, and there was a structured way to get there.
When I started my own business, I thought had it all figured out. I had a revenue plan, a pipeline ready-to-go, and had just finished the fundamental part of coaching school. I then did what I knew would work: I started writing, posting, and engaging in an effort to create a content and marketing machine that would “break through the noise.” I even got a couple clients. The plan I’d put together yielded a return I expected.
The predicability felt familiar, and that was comforting.
I was so into building a thriving business that I enrolled in another program for entrepreneurs. The program promised 5x ROI within the first few months of finishing. All I had to do was figure out my why, put a monetization strategy together, and sell the hell out of it.
It was during the figuring-out-my-why that I paused.
About a quarter of the way through this entrepreneur success program, I realized I was back to the same formula I thought I’d left behind. I was so deep into programming, monetizing, packaging, and pipeline-ing, I was losing me in the formula. My why wasn’t feeling like mine—it was back to creating safety net through spreadsheets and earnings.
I became so focused on building something that looked successful on paper, I hadn’t paused to even consider my role, and if it felt good. I was so focused on “delivering value” to my clients and prospective clients, that I got caught up in the same trap of performance equaling acceptance.
After I thought I’d “figured it out,” I found myself back as a 7-year old trying to be something. Be someone. I was the same 17-year old with big dreams, but felt disconnected from actually enjoying them.
I was back to using validation, success, and performing as proxies for safety and acceptance. I found myself—again—lost in crafting “something to offer.” Even after learning so much about myself, my feelings, and my past, I still was missing something.
In that moment, I understood that I wasn’t going to find the missing piece in my revenue-generating formula.
Even after unraveling my negativity dilemma of external validation, I still hadn’t taken the next step to fully unlearn and re-program a new system. I learned how to be happy-go-lucky, but I had yet to learn how to feel it too.
My outdated systems were still running in the background. I was still on autopilot and repeating the same patterns. While my brain knew the difference, my heart was still stuck.
I’d traded one safety net for another.
In defining my “business why,” I’d overlooked the heart of my inner why—to create a feeling of safety, worthiness, and acceptance within myself.
Energy Rising took me back to the place of curiosity, questioning, and healing. The concepts in the book got me to dig deeper, look bigger, and unlearn what had been hiding for decades. It was a timely reminder that the work is never done. When I thought I’d had it all figured out—surprise! There’s more!
It allowed me to unlearn, once again, old systems and deep wound patterns that blocked my clarity and stifled my energy. By creating new internal systems of worthiness, self-acceptance, and gratitude, I finally feel my internal energy rising and expanding.
The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life gives me hope. I see a lot of myself in Boyd Varty’s journey from corporate coach to lion tracker, storyteller, and guide. His wisdom is being present in the moment, in your body, and following life’s clues around to bring you back home. Back to you. Tracking yourself is possible if you’re clear enough to listen.
Finding yourself gives you the inner energy to magnetize an equally bright life reflected back. Learning how to alchemize your inner and outer worlds create systems and patterns that reflect abundance.
And in the theme of books finding me at just the right moment, I think I got another sign. As I tapped my to-read pile for a train ride earlier this week, I quickly picked up Be Ready When the Luck Happens. I’d started it when it came out last year, but somehow lost interest. It was on top of the pile, and waiting for me to choose it.
I’m manifesting that by finishing the book, the title will realize itself.
The energy, safety, and worthiness I’m creating now—from the inside— isn’t about luck, it’s about alignment.
I have a feeling the luck won’t just happen to me, it’ll be because of me.
I’m ready.
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💡Have an idea, inspiration, or feedback? Email me at vibecheck@gtfernan.com.